I am here. Again.

I have another name here on covenspace, but I needed a new one. I needed one where I was anonymous, where nobody knew me, where there were no preconceptions of me. I needed a place so I could vent without worried e-mails or phone calls. I needed a place where I could perhaps be a bit more honest.

Despite what the age in my profile says, I am in my mid 30's, I am a father multiple times over, I have a decent job and a modest house. I have been a pagan more or less since middle school, devoting a hammer to Thor when I was perhaps 16. The latter years my path has been more shamanic, but there have been other influences as well.

Since Yule last year, I have been struggling with a depression. Every week, some weeks every day, and some days every hour can be summarized as "I want to figure out a way to kill myself" or "At least I have not thought about killing myself so far."

Why I do not know. I have had up and down cycles my whole life, and generally speaking I have been able given this length of time to snap out of them and have extended periods of "normal." But this time, a break is about a day long. I think the longest has been a week.

My mentor has summarized it as a mid life crisis. Perhaps. If that is the entire case of it, then really it just gives me one more reason to loathe myself. Maybe she is right, but then again maybe she does not understand where I am any more than I understood the menopause she went though a year or so ago.

I don't feel like I fit into my own life. Relationships are shallow, my job does not fit me, my spiritual path is devoid of life except those who don't seem that interested themselves. I hate my physical self, but not much can be done about that. I would destroy most of it in a minute, except that I have no idea where I would go next, or what I would rather be doing. Lost in my internal wilderness, every tree, every mountain look exactly alike, and I cannot find sun nor star for guidance.

Right now the only thing that keep me going is my children, but I fear that in my current state I am not much of a mentor or support figure to them. If I could only rewrite time to save them from having a father like me.